But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
Randomize
