I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
