my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
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