god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
It's American, baby! There ain't nothin gross about America.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
