At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
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I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
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so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
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