wanna go halves on a baby?
eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
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