Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
