I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
