Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
