Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
