My hand turned me down
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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