I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I touched a dick in church today
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
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