It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
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