So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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