we have pet lesbian snakes
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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