I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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