she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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