I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
