those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Randomize
