were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
Randomize
