i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
