you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Randomize
