Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
Randomize
