i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
