Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
