Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
