Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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