So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
