well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
barbara walters just said penis...
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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