no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Randomize
