thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
Randomize
