The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Randomize
