I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
