I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
