stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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