my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
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