I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
It's blow job season.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
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