I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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