Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
