I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
We made a trail of cheez balls so we knew how to get back to te apartment.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Randomize
