you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Dude, I think shitting blood should be a cause for concern not celebration that you had a great night.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
