my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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