I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
