he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize
