My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
