I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
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