mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I just blew thrown up hashbrowns out my nose. That's the level of this hangover.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
Randomize
