Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Hey babe! Random question. Do you by chance have the pic of my nipples covered with ninja turtles band aids? Thanks.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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