ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
may or may not have snorted a line of tums... wtf.
Randomize
