i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
