She thinks she is all that and a bag of skittles but I'm definitely not tasting the rainbow...
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
