i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
Randomize
