Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
