why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
