How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
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Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
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Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
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