That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
