I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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