I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
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You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
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I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
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