I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Bad things happen to those who bang their lab partner at the beginning of the semester.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
Randomize
